My husband and I just returned from 2 weeks in Hawaii, part of which we spent with my husband's half brothers and step Mom. Ron's nephew was married on a beach on Oahu and I was able to officiate, in flip flops no less!
As a pastor, I was apprehensive about the effectiveness of my role in this - conducting pre-marriage counseling long distance for a couple I didn't know that well. And they told me they were not Christian, but believed in God. They had known each other just over a year. None of Ron's brothers are married - leaving behind them a string of broken relationships. And their own family dynamic is - to say the least - tense and competitive. Our nephew's role models were anything but helpful. So when the marriage inventory was returned to me, sure enough, I discovered there were many things this young couple needed to address, and frankly would have suggested they put off the wedding until we could talk. But tickets were purchased, the plans were underway. And they committed to a 3 hour session after we were together. So the wedding was on. I prayed God would do the work in overtime.
The Lord gave me the gift of time after all - I learned more about them just hanging out in the rental house together the 5 days before the counseling. And they learned more about the Lord as well as we lived our faith and shared our perspective on love and life as Christians. Not Bible thumping, but light-hearted, authentic living under God, modeling forbearance and truth-telling, and kindness with each other. (My husband is the kindest, most grace-filled man, who honors me for my strength and always seeks to know what's in my heart.)
As the Declaration of Marriage states in the wedding ceremony in the Book of Common Worship, in spite of our own ups and downs in the journey of love these last 22 years, our marriage indeed was a testimony to God's covenant with us, to God's heart, grace and forgiveness to these men who had lived lives of broken relationships, unfinished business, and dysfunction. We could share how much God had changed us, grown us, molded us together.
When I finally sat down with the couple, being present to the pain and brokenness, listening to their hearts, and discovering their love and commitment to breaking the cycle of their families of origin, it gave me hope. When we practiced active listening and conflict resolution together, it reminded me how often people don't invest the time in the hard work of relationship. They eagerly received the new tools when many settle for tenuous tolerance, dig in with their differences, and miss the heart of the relationship. I was given hope that patterns of behavior CAN be transformed by the renewal of minds and hearts. Hope that if we really care about the other person, we can set aside our pre-conceived ideas and get to the heart of the other, see them as God sees them. This young couple chose to see the good in each other, and at his young age, our nephew could see the difference between self-protecting, destructive and punitive behavior he'd lived with his whole life, rooted in fear and acted out in power-plays, and see his bride-to-be as Solomon saw his lover. I tell you, it was music to my ears, a balm to the discouragement and misunderstandings I feel sometimes in my ministry. It affirmed my calling to partner with God in REAL transformation, not just talking the talk, minding the rules, tolerating differences. This experience was God's gift to my heart.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
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